10 Tips for Keeping the Spark Alive
In the beginning of our relationships everything is exciting, shiny and new!
We’re almost obsessed with each other at certain points in the beginning. Phase one is usually trying to impress each other constantly and being perfect all the time, which is completely unrealistic, but we still try anyway. Phase two is maybe getting a little more realistic and dealing with some unpleasant issues (arguments, jealousy etc..). The final phase is realizing that relationships aren’t a Disney movie or some rom-com from the hallmark channel. The final phase is where things get real, and it can get really uncomfortable.
So, what happens when you make it through the ups and downs?
Now it’s been a while and you guys are finally in a nice little flow. Things are great BUT…things are also getting a little stale. How do you get back to the phase one feelings of the relationship? It isn’t easy to always get back to the way things once were but, there are still a few little things you can do to renew the spark and create some new feelings.
1. Hold hands more often
According to Dr. Kory Floyd this releases oxytocin and causes a calming sensation. Physical affection (holding hands, hugging, and touching) reduces the stress hormones. Think about it, when you are holding your partner’s hands, you feel more relaxed and closer to them. This is a way of creating intimacy out of the bedroom.
2. Allow tension to build
We experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we receive it. When we allow the tension to build, we look forward to reconnecting and it builds some excitement.
3. Separate sexual intimacy from routine
Plan intimacy dates and be intentional about keeping routine relationship problems, chores, or agendas out of that designated time. Finding a time to connect and be sexually intimate helps to set time aside to work on issues. When we don’t, it begins to feel like the issues are the biggest thing in the relationship.
4. Change your pattern for initiating sex
Mix things up. It’s easy to get bored or complacent when we do things the same way all the time. And I know it’s hard to change things if you’ve found a way to initiate that normally works. If you normally initiate, try to lean back and find ways of subtlety. If they normally initiate, try to take on the initiator role
5. Carve out time to spend with you partner
We have to be intentional as we work on our relationships. So, as we spend time we can’t always be multitasking and trying to spend time with our partner and on our laptop or phone. Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Share sexual and non-sexual things that give you pleasure. Gottman says “everything you do in your relationship is foreplay.” Let your quality time be intentional and purposeful.
6. Focus on affectionate touch
Not all touch has to be sexual in your relationship. Offer a massage or foot rub. Make sure the touch is not accompanied by the expectation of sex. Affectionate touch is a great way to demonstrate and rekindle passion even when you are not a touchy-feely person.
7. Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex
Everyone likes different things in the bedroom. Different positions and a little raunchiness can be fun, but so can vulnerability and intimacy. Share your innermost wishes, desires, and fantasies with your partner. Therapy can help if you struggle with intimacy and vulnerability.
8. Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy
Experiment with new ways to bring your partner pleasure. Look at sex as an opportunity to get to know you partner better over time. Using sex to be curious and explore your partner can not only be fun but also bring you closer. Learning more about what your partner likes shows that you are interested in their pleasure as well as your own.
9. Vary the kind of sex you have
Again, people like different things when it comes to sex. Changing things up and trying something new keeps the relationship from getting boring and dull. Try a quickie one night, and a slower, gentle intimate session the next. Break up the routine and try new things as sexual needs change. Ask your partner what they’d like to try. Share something you’d like to try.
10. Make sex a priority
Set the mood and use flirtation to let your partner know you’re looking to “get it on” as Marvin Gaye says. Letting your focus be on your partner. A light meal along with candles and your favorite music can set the stage for great sex. What turns you on? Give yourself permission to create that.
These are just some of the ways to get your relationship back on track to having fun and creating that connection again. It’s not going to happen overnight, especially if you’ve been in a rut for a year or more. It takes time learning what you both like and want now from your relationship. You won’t be the same people, or even couple, that you were years ago. Things change and so do people. What once was good enough, may not be anymore. Unlearning what you thought you knew and making room to relearn your partner is a great way to reignite the spark that you long to have again.