3 Signs Your Good Intentions Have a Bad Impact
Lately I’ve noticed a theme coming up in my sessions with couples. One person will say or do something, and the other person feels such a deep offense that they wonder why their partner would say or do it. The other partner has a reason — often a good reason but it never lands with the other person as intended. Then the argument becomes, “Well I guess I just can’t talk to you,” “Fine, I just won’t try to do anything nice for you anymore,” or “I should be able to just give my opinion.” What is this actually going to solve? Now they’re both closed off and nothing is resolved.
By the end of the situation both partners are feeling the impact of the conversation that has gone all the way wrong.
Do you see where I’m going with this one?
No? Let me make it plain.
There is a significant difference between the intent of a comment or action and the impact of that comment or action.
You can be well intended when you say or do something to your partner. But if they don’t receive it well then what? Do your good intentions matter? Honestly, no. I know that sounds harsh, but let’s think about this more. People often intend to share insight to help someone, but it often comes off as critical and judgmental. These are exactly the kind of situations that are more about the impact of what was said as opposed to the intent. I don’t care how well-intended a comment is if it hurts your partner. And honestly, you shouldn’t care more about your intent than the impact on someone you love.
There are 3 ways you can recognize when your good intent has had a bad impact.
Defending your intent
When you defend your intent as opposed to having accountability for the impact, it appears as though your partner and their emotions are not a priority. You’re more focused on trying to prove how nice you were trying to be and why you were doing it, versus handling the outcome of your intent. If you tell your partner, “Hey let’s work out together” and they have a breakdown about their weight, that’s not the time to argue what you were trying to do. Talk about what’s going on with them and see how you can fix the damage. Maybe you just wanted something to do together, and you were worried about your own health, but that doesn’t matter when your partner is hurt by your intent.
Your partner’s reaction
If you say or do something with good intentions and your partner shuts down, your good intention definitely missed the mark. If they become more withdrawn and don’t really mention the subject again, they’re definitely feeling some kind of way about your actions. Don’t immediately get defensive when this happens. Put your ego and your pride aside. Try to understand why they reacted the way they did and maybe ask how you could’ve delivered your intent better. Communication and understanding is a great way of resolving these kinds of conflicts that may come up.
Shift in communication
As I’ve said before, your intent can possibly cause your partner to shut down, but it can also change the communication in the relationship going forward. Your partner could become outwardly offended, or they could do the opposite. They could say nothing and refuse to communicate with you. If there is more than one instance where your good intent has had a negative effect on your partner, they’re more than likely tired of feeling negative emotions and could simply refuse to talk about it. If you become defensive, like the couples in some of my sessions, your partner will absolutely be willing to keep their emotions to themselves. If you notice this type of behavior, reach out. Let your partner know that you are willing to listen and try to be better. It’s easier said than done but it can make all the difference in your relationship moving forward.
I am not expecting anyone to be a mind reader and assume to know how their partner is feeling. What I am suggesting is that you pay attention to how your well-intended words and actions negatively impact your partner. When we pay more attention than we can be appropriate and accountable partners.