The Effects Codependency Can Have on a Relationship and How to Handle It

Have you ever had a whirlwind romance that quickly crashed and burned? Maybe you found yourself feeling like you needed that person more than you needed air to breathe?

If so, I hate to break it to you — you were likely in a codependent relationship.

Many of us learn more about codependency because we hear a lot about terms like narcissism, toxic relationships, love bombing, and gaslighting. And these really toxic relationships and love bombing are the things that lead to codependency. But what does that look like?

If you’re thinking, Janika, I have no idea what you’re talking about, just get to the point. No problem. Codependency is the term used to describe imbalanced relationships. That doesn’t sound so bad, I know. But it takes it a step further. Not only is there an imbalance in the relationship, but an over-reliance on a partner. One partner clearly enables the other’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. This undermines the other person in the relationship. So it’s essentially saying, “I get something out of this relationship as toxic as it is, as crazy as it is, I get something out of it. So I pour into it, invest more of myself and enable this craziness in the relationship because it meets some unresolved need to feel attached.”

Many of us have had that friend (or maybe we’ve been that friend) that refuses to leave the toxic boyfriend/girlfriend, regardless of how emotionally/verbally/physically abusive the relationship might be because their boyfriend/girlfriend “needs them.” Codependency traps us in the cycle of always meeting a partner’s needs because, in return, there are occasional and very inconsistent moments that I feel secure, affirmed, validated, in control, or loved.

While conversing with a friend, she made this really insightful point; that she felt needed in the crazy codependent relationship. She felt wanted. She felt like she was fulfilling needs, and that’s what she was raised to do. Too many women have been introduced to nurture and be the caretaker for siblings. And unfortunately, we look for that in a relationship. We get fulfillment from that.

But on the opposite side, what happens with codependency is, we become the monster. We turn into the bad guy because it’s so toxic. It’s so challenging that it changes us at the same time that we’re actively trying not to lose ourselves as we manage it. But you do end up losing yourself.

So codependency looks like buying into their B.S. and being the monster. It seems like letting them be victims, even though we know that this dynamic just enables them. We get very little out of it. At the moment, we might get some validation, but ultimately we receive nothing but heartache.

I want us to think about our relationship and potential codependency. What does it look like for you? What do you get out of it? Recognizing that these dynamics are super codependent means realizing it’s a cycle that feeds itself and traps us in it.

Whenever we’re in a relationship, we have to be willing to constantly re-evaluate the relationship. It’s not a bad thing to be so in tune with your relationship and your needs that you’re frequently assessing if it is, in fact, meeting your needs.

What are we telling ourselves about our role in relationships? That is something we have to figure out, really work through and pull apart to understand. What am I bringing to a relationship? What did I bring in that other relationship that was so toxic and so unhealthy that I damn sure don’t want to bring it to the next relationship? What does authenticity mean to you? What was the pattern that was really, really codependent? When we are at our best and authentic, it’s harder to slip into codependent relationships.