5 Unrealistic Expectations that Make Relationships Hard
It’s funny how everyone turns into a relationship expert overnight and starts to offer you their pearls of wisdom. Some advice can actually be helpful, while other advice is just that person’s personal preferences. Relationships are complex enough already, and adding unrealistic expectations to it can only make matters worse. Everyone’s relationship is unique in their own way and should be treated as such.
One couple’s relationship may not be ideal to another and that’s okay! You shouldn’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s, or try to mold what you have into something that doesn’t fit. Here are 5 unrealistic expectations that can make your relationship a lot harder than it needs to be:
1. Never go to bed angry
Can we be honest? This is stupid and unreasonable. When this is the rule between partners it creates an atmosphere of people pleasing and codependency. Not every fight will be solved quickly before bedtime. And if we push our partner to continue a discussion while sleep deprived, there really is no realistic resolution. Instead, let bedtime be a boundary to table the discussion, process how each person is feeling, and then resume the discussion at an open time the following day.
2. A relationship should be easy
Again, this is unrealistic. Holding the idea that a long-term, monogamous relationship will be easy and as fun, as the day you met also does a disservice to the growth of the relationship. As time passes couples grow closer and build on their foundation. To expect a relationship to be easy invalidates all the progress, growth, stability, and connection that was birthed from difficult moments. Relationships take work, effort, and intention. A healthy relationship won’t be easy all the time, but it shouldn’t feel like a grueling battle either.
3. Your partner should meet all your needs and make you happy
I can’t say this enough, it is not your job to make your partner happy and meet all of their needs. Happiness is an inside job! The reality is we want to have good times and moments of connection with our partner — and that is perfectly fair to ask of someone. But it is not realistic or fair to expect one person to fulfill all the social roles we need in our lives; that’s what we have family and friends for. When we expect our partners to fulfill every role another should occupy, we place unhealthy expectations on our partners and begin to suffocate the relationship.
4. Happy couples don’t fight
This concept always makes me laugh. Every couple has conflict. A relationship is made up of two people with completely different backgrounds and origins — there will naturally be moments of disagreement. The goal is to have constructive conflict. When we have constructive conflict it means that we’re fighting for the relationship as opposed to fighting each other.
5. Relationships should be 50/50
Not everything in a relationship will be split down the middle. I have seen multiple couples come into my office where one person has the idea that the relationship should be 50/50 while the other feels like that is a “roommate” situation. The idea that it should be 50/50 only means that both people are contributing to the relationship. Being an active participant in the relationship could be financial, or it could be emotional, organizational, or another way of contribution. People have different strengths and we can’t expect our partner to do the exact things we do in the relationship.
We have to accept the fact that our relationships have a mind of their own sometimes. We can’t stuff our relationships into these boxes of perfection when we know relationships are naturally imperfect. Having too many expectations can suffocate the relationship and honestly take all the fun out of it. How would you feel if you had to constantly jump through hoops to meet the expectations of what your relationship should be? Can you imagine how your partner would feel? Do what feels right for you both and not what everyone else says you should. At the end of the day, it’s your relationship, not theirs!