3 Signs You’re Headed for a Breakup
There’s nothing worse than feeling blindsided that your relationship isn’t what you thought it was and your partner no longer wants to be with you. It can be devastating to learn that your relationship is over, and you don’t really know why.
However, while it may be news to you that your partner is unhappy, there are signs and behaviors that indicate your relationship is headed towards a dead end.
1. Harsh Start-up
Every couple fights, but how we fight is a major difference between healthy couples and unhealthy couples. The way fights or discussions start determines how they end. Think about it, if someone approaches you aggressively do you respond calmly or react aggressively back to them? Odds are that you would clap back and match their aggressive approach. Let’s think about it this way. When you were a child and learning life lessons from Disney movies (no judgment), Mary Poppins taught us all that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. Without even realizing it, that crazy nanny was teaching us how to tolerate and manage something unpleasant. If we have something harsh and potentially hurtful to share with our partner, saying it softly and gently will make it more digestible to them. Even if we are annoyed and are hurt by something, it doesn’t mean we have to hurt our partners. But if our relationships consistently start conflict harshly then we may be headed for a split.
2. Flooding
When conflict starts with our partner, we begin to prepare ourselves for a fight. We literally go into fight or flight as we try to figure out how to navigate the conflict. As we go through this process and try to communicate with our partners we begin to flood. Flooding occurs when we attempt to respond to negative and destructive conflict. We get overwhelmed and feel defenseless and powerless. Physiologically, our bodies respond in a way that impairs our ability to stay calm. At this point it’s no longer about fight or flight — flight wins, we head for the hills, and completely disengage from the conflict. If there are moments with our partners when one of us shuts down, this is a sign of flooding and impending doom for the relationship.
3. Failed Repair Attempts
Not only does how the conflict starts matter, but it also matters how it ends. Our ability to de-escalate the conflict is incredibly important. When the discussion is beginning to shift into destructive conflict, we have to be able to get back on track. The way to do that is by repairing the connection. This looks like taking a moment to acknowledge that the conflict is changing and we are trying to keep the connection calm. Trust me, I know it’s difficult. But something as simple as “You seem to be in a crappy mood, would you like me to talk to you later” can be the repair attempt we need to realize the conversation is off track. But when we never attempt to repair the connection then the argument gets nasty and mean — and no one wants that.
If you start to feel like you’re having the same fight over and over again, and nothing is being solved, you could be heading towards a breakup. If it ever gets to a point in your relationship where you or your partner just don’t care about the outcome, it’s probably time to end things. Once you stop caring about what happens, that could possibly open the door for some toxic behavior that can only make matters worse. That’s definitely not the route you want to take. It’s bad enough that you can’t seem to find a resolution for any conflicts you both may be having, and the last thing you need is to start hurting each other out of anger.
It’s hard to acknowledge when we might need to close a chapter with someone. Now just because you see some of these signs, it doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be over. If you and your partner are both willing to recognize these issues, you may be able to turn things around. However, if you feel like you just can’t put the energy into it and that the issues you both share run too deep, then it may be time to let go and move on.