Is Your Partner Your Best Friend?

I sincerely hope not.

Ok, I know that’s harsh. But hear me out.

I 1,000% believe that friendship is necessary for healthy intimate relationships.

When I think about some of the best relationships I have been witness to, whether in my personal life or couples that I have worked with, there are some key aspects that stand out. One of them is friendship. Even couples that end up in my office, the ones that come in with concerns but maintain a good friendship often do well.

A lot of times we get into relationships before we’re actually ready for them. We feel lonely and think having someone there will cure everything that’s giving us a hard time. That’s definitely not the case. Is the person attractive? Yes. Do they make us laugh? Sure. Were we totally happy being by ourselves before they came along? Probably not. This is where the problem comes in. We don’t know how to make ourselves happy, so when we start a relationship we expect all of our happiness to come from our significant other. That’s not fair to them or you to be honest. It’s unfair to your partner because you’re putting all of this pressure on them to be your everything when that’s unrealistic. It’s unfair to you because now you’re basing your whole being on if this person loves you or not. You are more than capable of being fine all on your own and putting yourself through eventual torture, isn’t the way to go.

Statistically speaking, both men and women agree that the most important factor of a relationship by 70% is friendship. So what does that mean for you and your relationship? It means that one of the major goals for a healthy relationship is companionship and friendship. However, y’all know how I feel about boundaries. This aspect of healthy friendship with our partners means that we have to have a sense of balance.

To put it frankly, our partners and our friends are not in the same categories. We grow up with friends in the different stages of our lives so we have a paradigm for what we’re looking for from those relationships. However, with our partners, our needs grow and change. They are in a space of their own. After all, it’s not like we have multiple spouses or partners simultaneously — hopefully.

If we are in a relationship, it is not your partner’s responsibility to be our best friend or simply “make you happy.” Being in love isn’t always full of happiness and doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes a relationship can be hard and you’ll actually have to put the work in to make your relationship what you want. If I am in a relationship with you, it is my responsibility to give and share authentic love and value. In that, I am committed to making and maintaining an intimate, genuine, and vulnerable connection in which there is shared space for both my partner and I. It would be a disservice to give my partner anything less than authentic. How can you build a relationship or thrive if your foundation isn’t real. You owe it to yourself and your partner to have a strong foundation. Most people think all you need is love and trust. Love is simply not enough, you need companionship and commitment. When we can show our partner respect and empathy it allows us to show up and be vulnerable and accountable. And without companionship it’s hard to choose our partners day in and day out — it’s hard to be committed.

It is my responsibility to commit to cultivating love and belonging. It is not my job to simply make you happy. That is trivial and happiness is fleeting. It is my job to give you space to be yourself and maybe even remind you of who you are when things get rough and you don’t feel as confident. It is my job to have your back when you feel alone. But I can’t and won’t be everything you need because it is simply impossible to do. It is our responsibility to each other to pick up where the other may lack at times but never to take on the entire weight of the relationship. However, love and belonging will always feel like home, even in the midst of sadness, anger, frustration, and hurt. Because even if my partner or I are sad or hurting, we know there is a space with each other to feel and validate our emotions without discarding the person. It is important to have this space in a relationship so your partner knows that even during their darkest time, love will always be there.

So no, your partner doesn’t need to be your best friend. They need to be your companion that journeys through life with you with love, commitment, respect, and space. That is your responsibility in a relationship.