4 Types of Intimacy and How They Differ in Friendship and Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you have healthy relationships with friends, but struggle in romantic relationships? Maybe we need to learn more about intimacy outside of a romantic and sexual context.

Most people assume that the best place to feel intimate is with their spouse, partner, or paramours. But the reality is that closeness and openness can be felt in any relationship.

Ladies, let’s think of our relationships with our best friends. We have known them for years, share very personal information and feelings with them, and they have supported us through a variety of challenges. If that isn’t the epitome of intimacy then I’m not sure what is. The single most important factor in the health of a romantic relationship is the quality of friendship within it. I think many of us can agree that we’ve had relationships that were ok, but those partners were not good friends to us. There are four types of intimacy that we can engage in with friends and partners. When we do, we create full and meaningful relationships with those individuals without putting pressure on our partners to embody all four types of intimacy outside the bedroom.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy exists within a relationship when each party feels open and free to share their deepest inner thoughts, feelings, and desires with each other. When we think of intimacy that isn’t physical, this is generally what most people immediately think of. We value having someone we can share the values and emotions that are important to us and receiving their support.

Intellectual Intimacy

Intellectual intimacy is when you are able to have discussions with another person that are mentally stimulating, thought-provoking, and an exchange of ideas. A crucial aspect to this type of intimacy is that both individuals are able to share ideas and opinions while maintaining healthy and appropriate respect for one another. When this happens you are sharing your perspective without taking offense to the other person’s perspective.

Experiential Intimacy

Experiential intimacy simply means that you are able to spend time with another person and create shared experiences and meanings to those moments. For example, have you ever had a friend that would show up for you if there was an event or that recognized that their presence mattered during a situation? This is someone who is experientially intimate with you and values creating memories and significant moments.

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is when you are able to share your faith and religion with someone. For many people, this looks like having someone who you can ask to pray for you or discuss how something impacts your faith. While you might be praying for one another, they are also able to give advice from a spiritual perspective.

One of the biggest misconceptions is that a close friend or partner needs to embody all of these different types of intimacy, which is a bit unfair. In recognizing different types of intimacy, we should be able to also acknowledge that some individuals are able to be intimate in ways that others may not be able to in our lives, which is perfectly ok.

I would even argue that intimacy outside of romance prepares us to have healthier romantic relationships. Friendships with healthy intimacy force us to rely on healthy communication, conflict management, and vulnerability to create and maintain these connections. For many of us, it feels easier to show up for our friends as opposed to a romantic partner. All of a sudden it feels like we have to do more and give over and beyond if it’s a romantic relationship.

We allow our romantic relationship to be about possession and jealousy when we wouldn’t want that (or frankly accept that) from our friendships. But we don’t seem to take that same lesson and boldness into our romantic relationships. Why is that?

Ultimately, we have to think about what we want from our relationships and who we want to be in a relationship. If we want healthy romantic relations we also have to be open, vulnerable, and intimate with our friends and family.