Peacemaker vs People Pleaser: Which one are you and how can it affect your relationship?

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Confrontation is the last thing anyone wants to be a part of. Who wants to disturb their peace by jumping headfirst into chaos? It’s definitely not a pleasant situation to be in and it can be awkward at times. Ultimately, confrontation and conflict reveal if you are actually a peacemaker or just people-pleasing.

A peacemaker’s main goal is to put an end to the confrontation, while keeping the connection and relationship intact, by finding a reasonable solution. This could mean putting yourself in the middle of the problem, being very direct with everyone involved, enforcing boundaries, or sometimes having to take control of a situation to bring everyone else down a notch. Either way, the peacemaker is in the direct line of fire when it comes to situations like these.

People-pleasing is the total opposite. This type of person usually agrees with everyone all of the time! They never really voice their own opinion and they become a “yes” person. They take the path of least resistance. Some people feel like being a people pleaser is simply “just being nice” but it is actually conflict avoidance. People-pleasing only lessens your voice and your opinions over time. There are some people that are completely okay with that and there are others that will probably explode after keeping themselves stifled for so long. Dealing with any situation this way can be extremely unhealthy. It’s hard to grapple with, but people-pleasing is a sign of codependency and trauma.

How does this tie into relationships?

Well, if both partners want to find a solution instead of just agreeing and going on about their day, the better off they’re going to be. When two people have a disagreement and are willing to work together to find a solution, that minimizes the possible arguing and tearing each other down; it allows room for discussions and explanations. How often do we get into arguments and focus more on name-calling and screaming, instead of what the actual issue was? We end up being consumed by the emotions that we’re feeling and lose all logic. That won’t get anyone anywhere. All it will do is create hurt feelings and other issues. You will just end up in this continuous cycle of arguments and toxicity. Pretty soon the respect of the relationship will be gone. The fights will end, but only because no one will want to talk anymore. Neither person will want to try and understand anything. Why put yourself through that? Becoming the peacemaker in the relationship can help avoid all of this unnecessary drama and hurt.

Now, what happens when you have a people pleaser, or two, in the relationship?

If both people are people pleasers, it’s an uphill battle that could lead to the end of the relationship. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but agreeing with everything just to avoid a problem and conflict will end up boiling over after a while. There will always be a perpetual problem within the relationship because both partners are too afraid to tackle it head-on. Any kind of conflict is going to be uncomfortable but creating a healthy dialogue will go a long way in the relationship. A healthy dialogue helps you realize why a certain thing makes you upset, or understand that something you have said or done hurts your partner. You won’t be able to understand or move forward in your relationship if you don’t put in the effort to tackle your problems together. A relationship is not a one-man-band. You have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow, together.

For anyone that usually falls into the people-pleaser category, remember not to stifle yourself. It will only lead to you being unsatisfied and always compromising yourself for your partner. While compromise is a huge part of a relationship, that shouldn’t always fall on one person. It will only lead to your relationship being one-sided and feeling devalued and unheard.

There is a quote by Ursula K. Le Guin (The Lathe of Heaven) that says, “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new”. Your love is not going to be perfect and amazing all of the time. You have to put in the effort to make it work and make it beautiful. That means handling the uncomfortable situations that come up when you and your partner may have a disagreement. The beauty won’t come without some of the ugly parts. It’s a part of the journey.