Can Love and Passion Co-exist?

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I’m not sure if you’ve seen the new Netflix show, Sex/Life. Perhaps you have been living under a rock? It’s controversial, spicy (wait until episode three, you’re welcome, ladies), and thought-provoking. I started watching it one day after work at the suggestion of a friend. Before I knew it, I found myself emotionally invested and enthralled in these characters. I was annoyed. I was angry. Above all else, I was triggered.

Now, while I’m not in the same position as Billie, I can understand what she is questioning. Ultimately this is a story of a woman longing to feel connected with herself and facing the fear of losing herself related to sexuality, desire, and identity. It’s like a real-life adult horror movie.

It doesn’t help that she’s a psychologist. The whole time I was hoping that Esther Perel would magically appear and get Billie’s life together. Therapeutic wishful thinking, perhaps. At one point, when she is published in Psychology Today for her piece on how having great sex and monogamy is possible, I felt hopeful, all the while knowing that is the pain point and central question of the show. Can you have monogamy and great sex?

Based on Billie and her professor, no. But I can help but want to scream that it has to be possible. Why else are we getting married? Based on Sternberg’s Theory of Love, we need three things in this recipe: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Simple right?

Here’s the short version. Sternberg notes that the relative emphasis of each component changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops.

Passion

Passion is the love that many of us believe is the basis for falling in love. Passion is the physical attraction, and desire one has for another. It is sexual attraction, excitement, and “love at first sight.” Passionate arousal tends to occur at the beginning of relationships, peaks relatively quickly, and then reduces to a stable level due to habituation. Perhaps this is why we find ourselves bored as all hell in long-lasting, monogamous relationships. When a relationship ends, our desire and capacity for passion appear to go negative for some time as we grieve the previous relationship. While it seems all too common to get bored, I’m curious how we continue to nurture this side of us as individuals if it dwindles in relationships.

Intimacy

Intimacy is closeness and trust with another person. Intimacy takes time to develop and involves sharing experiences, dreams, and goals. According to Sternberg, intimacy tends to peak slower than passion and then gradually reduces to a relatively low level of manifest intimacy as interpersonal bonding increases. However, changes in circumstances tend to activate latent intimacy, which can cause the manifest level of intimacy to return or exceed its earlier peak. Here’s the bottom line: intimacy ebbs and flows in relationships. Sometimes we feel close to our partners, and other times it feels like we’re oceans apart. And honestly, we have an unrealistic expectation that we will always feel super close to our partners, and love will always feel like rainbows and butterflies. Nope! It’s been proven (Thank you, Sternberg) now; it’s time to accept it.

Commitment

Commitment is that decision and the actions that follow to stay connected to that other person. It is the “’til death do us part” vow in a marriage. In successful relationships, the level of commitment rises relatively slowly at first, speeds up, and then gradually levels off. Where relationships fail, the level of commitment usually decreases gradually and descends back towards the baseline.

Now, back to Sex/Life. Billie has all 3, but she struggles because she doesn’t feel them all simultaneously. Now I’m sure she knows about Sternberg’s Theory of Love. But that doesn’t seem to be enough. She struggles to see herself outside of this sexually exciting and explicit former relationship. That’s not even the worst part. She’s selfish and lies about it. She thinks Brad equals desire but doesn’t even try to get that desire and feeling of sexual freedom with Cooper. She tries to convince herself that she wants monogamy but gets mad when she can’t or won’t fit the trophy wife mold rather than re-defining monogamy and desire within her marriage.

It’s not going to look how she wants it to look in her 20s, and she needs to let that fucked up unrealistic expectation go. Instead, I think that desire as a grown woman looks different, especially in marriage or a committed relationship. When she goes out with Cooper (bless his heart for trying) and it’s an evening full of fun, excitement, spontaneity, and even adrenaline. But they get home and settle for the boring leave-it-to-beaver family life, almost forgetting about what a great evening they had together.

So here’s what it boils down to. Yes — we get to have passion and love in relationships. But it does not come easily or without being intentional. We aren’t 20 anymore. We need to accept it. But that doesn’t equate to settling for a boring life that you regret and resent if you’re over 30. You’re still you. You still want love, fun, and passion with the person you have chosen to spend your life with and with whom you feel safest. We have to create it.