It Turns Out Marriage Isn’t Easy…Well, What Did You Really Expect?!

Why did you get married? Really, I want you to think about it. Do you even know?

Some people choose marriage because they can’t wait to get away from their parent’s household. Some want to be taken care of, financially or emotionally. Some want children and they rush into marriage.

Honestly, I think most of us don’t really know why we got married. Maybe you were in a relationship for the last five years and figured it was the next logical step. I mean you probably live together at this point and have a dog, so why not? Or maybe you were so in love that you figured this person had to be it for you, so you took the leap.

My personal favorite is all of your friends were doing it and you started to feel left out. “Always a bridesmaid and never a bride” starts to become the recurring theme in your life, and you can’t take another family holiday where you’re being told you need to have a partner and start having children. To be honest it seems like everyone just wants a wedding.

I mean who doesn’t love a good party! The food, the music, the dress, and all the decorations are enough to make anyone consider taking the plunge. But what happens when the party’s over, everyone goes home and it’s just you two. What then?

Were you ready to get married? Did you have any clue what marriage would require of you and your partner?

Marriage is hard work. Period. Marriage is a constant effort that needs to be recognized by both people involved or it isn’t going to work. Sometimes I wonder if it is as hard as we make it. We aren’t as equipped as we need to be to conduct a seriously committed relationship and all the responsibility it comes with. So we actually start off behind as soon as we say “I do”. We make it unnecessarily hard on ourselves and each other because we don’t stop to think about what marriage really means and what we want our marriage to look like. We just know we like saying “my fiance” or “my husband” every five minutes to anyone that’s listening.

Before anyone gets married, a conversation needs to be had about what it’s going to mean for everyone involved. I mean, the ceremony and reception is great but, what does any of that really mean if you’re divorced a few months later? The same care and detail you put into picking the decorations or making your seating chart is the same care you should take when mapping out your marriage. Now writing down the goals doesn’t mean it’s going to be perfect and everything will fall in line perfectly, but flying blind and jumping into a marriage without some sort of foundation is a recipe for disaster.

I want you to think about it this way: what role do I want to play in my marriage? What role do I want my spouse to play? It’s more than just the title of husband or wife, but it’s about providing, nurturing, supporting, and organizing a life together. Once you think about the role you will each play, let’s figure out how each will play their role. To be blunt, the emotional work isn’t only done by the wife. Emotional availability and stamina must be on both sides for any relationship to work. Which means that men, y’all need to step up your emotional availability to give and create space within the relationship.

Choose your partner with care and make sure that this is the person you would want to weather any storm with. When things get tough you’re not just going to run and leave or be left to fend for yourself. You have to have each other’s backs. Marriage is a team effort and if one person starts to slack, trust me you will feel the weight of that in your relationship. Marriage is supposed to be fun and exciting because you’re building your life with your person. But you can’t be afraid to discuss and tackle the uncomfortable things that may come up. Marriage is scary, beautiful, ugly, and exhausting at times but, it’s worth it when you have the right partner and the right mindset.

Looking back on everything, do you think you were ready? Better yet, is there anything else you would do differently to prepare before getting married? Would you run for the hills or just pick a different partner?